The Sixteen Commandments For Poons

As a tribute to one of the few sensible voices in the blogosphere, Roissy, my first post is a tongue-in-cheek “rebuttal” to his signature post, The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon.

I call it the Sixteen Commandments For Poons. It came to me as I was scanning the vapid retorts left in the comment section. I quickly realized that those in opposition to Roissy on these fundamental principles behind maintaining a relationship had nothing of substance to back up their assertions. So I decided to do it for them. If the Sixteen Commandments Of Poon are all contrary to what men should be doing, what path should they follow? I can only guess it looks something like this. . .

The Sixteen Commandments For Poons

by Crimson

I. Always say ‘I Love You’ first

Women consider chasing men a bore. When a relationship progresses to a natural “I love you” point (the earlier the better), just say it. Most women who don’t hear it within the first couple months will assume you don’t care and move on. The only way a woman can be happy is in knowing her man loves her with all his heart, mind, and soul. To score extra brownie points with your woman, lay it on really thick. A simple “I love you” will suffice, but a line like “My love for you is greater than any other love any entity has felt for another entity in the history of the entire universe” is golden.

II. Never so much as glance at another woman

If you happen to be in a situation where there are other women around (and this should happen as infrequently as possible- your nights should almost always be spent at home playing Scrabble), do not even acknowledge their existence. You will cling to your woman like a hemorrhoid clings to an ass hair. Do not let her out of your sights, and do not let other females into yours. If a woman approaches you, learn ways to avoid getting into even the most mundane conversation (see my post on pretending you don’t know English), because if you get caught in such an act, your woman will become outrageously green with envy, and will dump you.

III. You shall make your woman your everything

Some of the greatest love songs of all time have ascribed to the philosophy that a woman is to be the center of a man’s existence, and they are absolutely correct. Your station in life, your artistic passions, your masculine libido are all nothing in comparison to the pedestal you are able to craft for your woman. She wants to be treated like a princess, and it is your obligation- nay, your privilege, to make that desire come to fruition.

IV. Let her make the rules

In today’s society, the woman is in charge. Don’t try to fight it. Conformity is the path to peace. It is she whom you must lean on in every matter. Once you recognize her innate ability to remain calm in any situation, face change with stoic indifference, and maintain the same personality day in and day out, you will understand it is only natural to let her direct the relationship. This is the best way to ride into the sunset happily ever after together.

V. Reciprocate everything and then some

Give your woman everything she gives you and then some. Don’t leave a single deed unnoticed or unreciprocated. When she sends you a text, send her at least two (always operating under the assumption that her phone didn’t get your message- it lets her know how much you care).  When she says a sentence, respond with a paragraph. Constantly shower her with attention. By the six month point of a relationship, your entire essence should be imprinted into her soul, your image scorched into her retinas, your consistency ingrained into her hindbrain. A predictable man is a desired man.

VI. Your relationship is one long interview- play it straight

Women want to know everything about you so they can make a proper decision on whether you have long-term potential. Give them this information at all costs, even when they don’t ask for it. Treat the courtship process the way you would a job interview (but try to avoid talking yourself up too much; girls don’t like a braggart). If you can prove to her that you’re the type of guy whose sole purpose on this planet is to make her happy, she will let you into her world with open arms.

VII. Your option is your woman

The second you agree to go on a date with a girl, she becomes your lone option. Forget any and all other female companionship from that point forward. And once your relationship has blossomed into something long-term, you will be thankful that you have become fully dependent on one woman for all your romantic affection, because this will be your trump card if your relationship is ever on the rocks. During these times, let her know unequivocally that you absolutely need her, and she will become attracted to you again. In extreme situations, telling her things like “I don’t think I could go on living without you” always works.

VIII. Adopt an ‘apologize first’ mentality

You have a penis. This means you are, by nature, a despicable human being, and you are sorry. Whatever you do, you’re sorry. Apologizing your way through life is the quickest way to a woman’s heart. Being immediately sorry for any perceived offense will reduce friction in every relationship as it brings about fewer arguments and less overall strife. Females don’t like drama. They don’t bring it into your life, so don’t bring it into theirs. And in the end, your woman will thank you for being a good little boy who does what he’s told. You will remind her of her childhood dog. And who didn’t adore their childhood dog?

IX. Connect with her logic

There are no fundamental differences between men’s and women’s brains. The emotionally-driven playfulness of youth had its place, but those days are gone. You’re both adults now, and the healthiest relationship two adults can have is one based on an intellectual and logical connection. She wants to talk about how running around in the snow makes her feel like a little girl again, you discuss the Great Blizzard of 1888. She wants you to play doctor, you meticulously muse over the achievements of Western medicine. She tells you she isn’t attracted to you anymore, you demand a 5-6 page thesis paper (with supporting evidence) why that is the case. Odds are rational thinking will prevail and she’ll be back in your arms again in no time.

X. Become entranced by her beauty

Your woman is the only attractive human being on this planet; you’d better start treating her as such. Allow yourself to melt before her beautiful face; this will prevent you from ever acting out. If you are ever away from her for more than four hours (see my post on how to minimize this disastrous phenomenon) and are contemplating doing something of which she would not approve, imagine her gorgeous face, her flawless body, and her incredible sexual prowess and you will think twice.

XI. Don’t believe in yourself

Women are turned off by self-confidence. They want to take you by the hand and lead you through life. Also, they acknowledge the fact that you’re not exactly God’s gift to women, so don’t act like you are. You can’t fool anyone. Adopt a philosophy of pure rationalism. You aren’t George Clooney and you never will be. Accept it and make sure your girl knows you’ve come to terms with it. You’re most likely the average run-of-the-mill loser anyway. Recognizing that you are who you are (Crimson’s Maxim #93: Always be yourself!) and change is virtually impossible, women will be flocking to you like a moth to a flame.

XII. Forget what you’re good at, keep a woman focused on your weaknesses

Remember Crimson’s Maxim #24- Women hate guys who think they’re better than everyone else at something. Don’t be that guy. Sure, you may be able to sing to her like Josh Groban, or dance her socks (and the rest of her clothes) off, but deep down, the displaying of talents to a girl is the fastest way to make her feel inadequate to you (and in turn, make her leave you). Become a jack of all trades. Try new things to the point of exhaustion, and the less likely you are to succeed at them, the better. When her expectations are lowered, you never have to worry about disappointing her again. It is in this atmosphere a true relationship can flourish.

XIII. Don’t ever pursue what you want physically

When she’s ready to up the ante physically, she will always make the first move. A woman is a delicate snowflake- one wrong touch and she will be lost forever. If you have trouble following this rule, try to imagine her dad is sitting on the other side of her at all times. This should induce enough guilt to cause you to refrain from making any sort of ill-advised hormonal-based “move” on her.

XIV. Fuck her decent

Contrary to popular belief, sex is the least important aspect of the modern relationship. If you must spend time engaging in such Neanderthal activity, fuck her like it’s your first fuck (+1 if it actually is). The last thing she wants to feel in bed is inadequacy stemming from knowing that the person she is with has more experience than her. And she knows as well as you do that there are thousands of better things to spend your time on than copulation. Minimal effort should be spent on sex. Your energies should be focused on more important matters, such as deciding which jewelry store her next diamond earrings will be coming from.

XV. Maintain no control

You are an oak leaf. When she cries, so do you. When she yells, apologize profusely. When she withdraws sexually, beg. When you can’t get a hold of her, leave her multiple voice mail messages, send her at least ten texts (remember the Double Digit Rule), and consider contacting one of her close family members if the amount of time you haven’t talked to her reaches 8 hours. Chaos is the natural order of things; learn to roll with it.

XVI. Let the fear of losing her be your guide

Your fear of losing her must be akin to your fear of God’s wrath keeping you out of Hell’s eternal burnings. Fear and love go hand-in-hand. Coming to grips with your relationship’s almost-certain mortality (totally certain if you don’t follow these commandments) is the best way to keep you in check. Once you love her with all that you have, learn to fear her even more than that.

***

Thanks to the Citizen Renegade for the inspiration behind this post, and for motivating me to start a blog of my own. I look forward to giving my own perspective on girls, game, and God in the posts to come.

To see the Sixteen Commandments Of Poon/For Poons next to each other, click here.

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7 Responses to The Sixteen Commandments For Poons

  1. Rivelino says:

    so true it hurts.

    well done.

  2. Pingback: Commandment X: Become entranced by her beauty « Becoming Alpha

  3. Pingback: Perpetuating The Paltry Platitudes « Colonel Crimson

  4. Jonathon says:

    A fascinating discussion is definitely worth comment.
    I do think that you should publish more about this topic, it might not be a taboo subject but usually people don’t speak about these subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!

  5. Pingback: 16 Ways I Blue-Pilled My Marriage | Colonel Crimson

  6. Robert says:

    Har! This brought a smile to my face after a gruelling day at work. Maybe I’ll share it with my true love while I cook her dinner and do her laundry.

  7. She creates opportunities exactly where you can touch her or she can touch you.
    Attempt skipping as soon as just to verify how she’ll react.
    She watches a boxing match so she can talk about it with you.

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